“The Bright Side of Shadow-Work”
...how to stay on the sunny side while digging in the dark...
Generally speaking, I heartily agree with Monty Python's cheeky sentiment - “always look on the bright side of life” …even when nailed to the proverbial cross of life’s trials and tribulations. Especially when feeling nailed to the cross and hanging upside down - like the “Hanged Man” in the Tarot - as this is where the greatest breakthroughs and perspective shifts can and do happen!
However, besides the well known risk of this evergreen hit becoming a potentially pesky and unshakable ear-worm, the sage advise it offers is all too often taken to another form of unhealthy extreme - when the quest for the silver lining becomes not an expansion into illumination, but rather an avoidance of repressed, discomforting truths, to varying degrees of spiritual or cognitive bypassing.
In this blog-post, I’ll provide a first introduction to the concept of “Shadow-Work”, what it’s all about and how to stay on the bright side while digging in the dark, without skipping the down and dirty where all the purest gold lies waiting…
SO - WHAT IS "SHADOW-WORK", AND HOW DO WE BRING THE LIGHT BACK IN TO WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE?
Contrary to the images the nomer “Shadow-Work” tends to conjure, it is, in fact, all about bringing the “light” into the “darkness” - ie,making the unconscious conscious; to steal the famous quote by psychologist and mystic, Carl Gustav Jung - “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
You could say the bright side is that, for there to be a shadow to begin with, there inevitably will have to be a source of light to cast it…
This is where the “work” part comes in - by taking a good look at (and feel of) the shadow-shape, we can deduce the form and location of the obstacle occluding the light and start removing it.
Well, so much for the poetic view, now - what does this translate to in “real life”?
We all have what is commonly called a “Shadow Side” - the parts of us we do not like, aspects that we may go to great lengths to hide because we don’t want to see and most definitely don’t want anyone else to be aware of, either; or those traits that we may be completely blind to, or that come up and out when we get triggered and that we then either manage to blame on others or feel bad and guilty for once it’s all been said and done.
No matter how good we may get at focusing on only “Love and Light”, we all have a dark side - it’s a given in a world based on the principles of Polarity & Duality. For one side of the spectrum to exist, the other must be valid also. How much of the “light” or “dark” we personally embody depends on what we give our attention to the most…and here’s the typically overlooked part: resistance to or avoidance of something is, in effect, a whole lot of energy focused on that which we do not want!
Which is why, in the end, bypassing (or avoidance) always fails at true deliverance! What we resist, persists. Or, to quote Carl Jung once again, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of Light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
This so-called Shadow-Side, however, is really merely a side-effect, a defense mechanism to cover up and protect old wounds and painful beliefs. No matter how idyllic, caring and sheltered our upbringing was, we all come in with at least some degree of wounding.
I call these our “stories” - the mostly unconscious beliefs that have either been handed down from generation to generation, or stem from early childhood and even adult experiences that have left tender spots (or even festering inflammation) in our psyche.
To give a few examples, this could be a story we carry telling us that men are not safe and cannot be trusted, which may have been handed down from generations of women in our family through body-language, attitude and behavior, without us ever having been fully conscious of it.
Perhaps this mistrust stems from countless generations of women in our ancestral lineage, as well as in our collective unconscious, having felt oppressed, undervalued, taken for granted and perhaps even abused by the men in their lives.
Even if, as is often the case, these things never get talked about, our young and malleable psyche picks up on the cues and may adopt these typically wholly unconscious beliefs and defensive patterns as our own.
This could look like being overly submissive, never speaking our truth around men, or perhaps the opposite - being easily roused to anger by or suspicious of men.
This phenomenon is what's called a "generational curse" in some circles. And we are all dealing with one (or more), to some degree or another...
Or it could be more personal wounds that we may or may not have any conscious memory of. This could have been a critical parent who doled out praise sparingly, always focused on what wasn’t good enough; or a parent that was never emotionally or physically available, whether through neglect, death, too much work or other reasons, setting us up with deep abandonment issues.
Our unconscious stories can play out and write the script of our lives in numerous ways. To run with the above examples, we could keep drawing male figures into our experience that we never feel fully comfortable being open and authentic around. In personal relationships, we could bemoan a lack of deep, emotional intimacy, or even attract verbally or physically abusive partners and wonder why this keeps happening.
We could have turned into a “type A” overachiever, always pushing for more, never feeling like we are good enough the way we are, because this is the story that was subconsciously indoctrinated into us when we were younger.
We keep trying to overcompensate for a deep sense of lack and inadequacy to prove to ourselves and to the world - or perhaps our beloved, yet over-critical parent - how amazing and worthy we truly are so we may eek out a little taste of acceptance.
We could even develop a deep hotspot-trigger that goes off anytime we do not receive the praise we were hoping for, or anytime we feel overtly or openly criticized. This may manifest in a burst of anger and defensiveness, a bad mood, or in withdrawal, depression or a defeatist attitude etc.
Or, if dealing with a deep abandonment wound, a story that keeps telling us that everyone we love will eventually turn their backs on us and stop caring, we could quite literally manifest this scenario in our friendships and intimate relationships; or, on a more subtle level, we could overcompensate our belief that we are obviously “not lovable, not worthy of being loved” by becoming the martyr, the over-giver that gives and gives from a deep place of emptiness to the point of burn-out, yet who never really receives anything in return…or even knows how to receive, turning away even the slightest compliment, never mind affection, support, gifts…
There are countless other stories and possible scenarios that could play out, but I hope these examples clarify and bring home the points I am trying to make. These are some of the ways in which we leak our power and sacrifice our authentic self, often without even being aware of it.
The Light on the other side of the Shadow, however, is pure, unconditional Love - our true Nature; anything that is not Love stands out in stark contrast and makes us feel uncomfortable.
The “obstruction” to the Light are our stories and wounds - our filters that keep tainting reality, twisting everything to fit in with our inner narrative.
Our behaviors, re-activity, patterns, thoughts and feelings originally adopted as protective coping mechanisms are the “Shadows” we all carry.
HOW DO WE HEAL THE SHADOW AND BRING IT BACK TO THE LIGHT OF DAY?
It all starts with Awareness!
When we realize that our life and everyone in it is truly a mirror reflection of what we project out onto it, or them, then we can use this mirror to reflect back to the projector (our minds), and identify the story, the screenplay that’s been playing in the background of our psyche, creating and coloring our experience - our fate - all the while.
When we become more and more aware of our patterns, our triggers and how they make us feel and re-act, we can switch from unconscious auto-pilot to conscious choice mode and take our power back!
LET'S WORK WITH THIS -
what is a recurring pattern or trigger in your life? Think of one that is fairly consistent and obvious but perhaps not too tender and inflammatory, to start with.
I’ll walk you through an example so you can follow the steps & apply them to your own scenario.
Let’s say I always feel overlooked at work. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like my co-workers get all the attention and praise, and my work hardly ever gets noticed. I get home at the end of the day just wanting to throw in the towel and quit my job, but I don’t dare because, who else could possibly want to hire me? So, I typically end up fixing a quick dinner and eating it in front of the TV, to numb out and forget about it all for a while - it’s just too depressing to think about. Some days are even worse - I lose my cool and snap at a co-worker, because they dare make a suggestion about how I am doing things - completely uncalled for and disrespectful! They just don’t get me!! Now they avoid me and I am just plain irritable. Really though, I just want to go home and cry - but off course I don’t. I grit my teeth and stick it out, and go home with a major headache at the end of the day. Happens all the time. Repeat boring TV dinner…
I’ve just identified my pattern and trigger. Well, one of them - in this scenario, I get triggered by a perceived criticism of me or my work, and I react by either feeling drained, withdrawing & numbing my feelings, or becoming irritated & angry to the point of verbally snapping at people. Wonderful! Now I can dig deeper...
So - how am I really feeling, underneath all the numbing out, distractions, headache and irritability? Where in my body is this energy sitting & getting stuck?
Well, I feel like I can never do right by anyone. Makes me feel really insecure, if I’m honest - maybe I really am no good at what I do…I’m a complete failure, really. I feel lost, kind of. And angry! Just angry at the world, I don’t know…my jaw is all tensed up, teeth clenched…my shoulders live all the way up by my ears and refuse to soften and relax…my head is splitting...and my heart feels like there’s a dam just waiting to burst with desolate sobs…because I feel I’m just not lovable & likable the way I am…such a failure…a lonely failure, at that…nobody likes or "gets" me...ick, I’m a mess…
Great!!! Let that dam burst! Now it’s time to give ourselves permission to just feel and let it all out, without judgment!
This, in my opinion, is the most crucial and most commonly avoided step - honoring how we feel, raw and honest and undiluted! Our feelings are valid - it’s not about “right” or “wrong” or blame, it’s just about acknowledging how we are really feeling and just holding space for this wounded part within that typically never gets any attention or compassion otherwise…
Ok, so now that I am tapped in to how I feel underneath it all, is there perhaps a memory of when I first remember feeling this way?
Damn! I remember I always felt this way when I brought home my grades…dad never said much, but I could feel how un-impressed he always was, like it pained him - or maybe it just bored him? - to even look at my work, even the tests I did really well in, like essays, and painting…he was always more interested in my brother’s grades, he was so good at physics and stuff that I could never wrap my head around…I remember how I just wanted to curl up and vanish, and cry, but instead I just smiled and pretended to be proud of my little brother! Boy, that was a long time ago…
So, what’s the story I can see now I’ve been telling myself all this time? The script that has been writing my life so far?
I actually believe this - that I am no good at anything, that I am a failure, I am boring and thoroughly un-impressive…no wonder I bite off anyone’s head if I feel they’re even looking funny at my work…I am projecting my dad’s criticism onto them! Oops! Maybe they don’t think there’s anything wrong with me or my work, maybe it’s all in my head…could that be? It’s me that believes I’m no good…they are just reflecting this story back to me…ouch!
You know what? I think I actually really was good at writing…and at anything artsy! Maybe I’m just not meant to be an accountant…maybe I’m meant to be the artist I’ve always wanted to be at heart….goodness! What the heck do I do with this insight now? Well, maybe I could just enroll in that creative writing course I’ve had my eye on for ages, at least that should be fun…it’s a start, hey!
This is where the healing, the alchemy of transformation happens - in the unconditional acceptance of how we feel, in the release of emotions and letting it all out, and in being fully present and aware of it all, perhaps for the first time in our lives.
Yay! Now we have decompressed some of the pent up feelings and gained a little perspective, and a more objective detachment from the drama and pain of our lives instead of identifying with and feeling victimized by it all.
Now that we have effectively made the unconscious conscious (or at least some of it), we can break out of our predictable rut in life, make new choices and re-write our script, so to speak.
(Perhaps this will be another topic for another blog-post - how to use Neuro-plasticity to create new habits, behaviors, thoughts and attitudes - how to create our destiny, instead of feeling trapped by fate…)
There are always deeper layers and more pathways to be explored, more gifts of insight and strength to be claimed, but I hope that this little dip into the underground aqueduct of “Shadow Work” has helped illuminate a trail to follow as you learn to become a more conscious, deliberate conductor of your life-journey.
To end on a note of even more brightness - the “Shadow-Self”, or Unconscious, doesn’t consist of only what we typically label as our “negative” aspects; it also hides our light, all those “positive” attributes we admire and adore and perhaps envy in others, but cannot or see in or claim for ourselves.
Think of that, too, next time you feel your “Shadow” beckoning you to dive a little deeper under the surface of what you think you know about yourself…
(more along these lines: "Somatization & Body Talk", "The Thing About Triggers")
And of course,
if you feel you’d like some help & assistance with getting in touch with your stories & emotions, ready for a deeper exploration, transformation & healing, I am here for exactly that - check out my Spiritual Guidance & Transformational Coaching Sessions & Courses, my in-depth Soul Purpose Blueprint Readings,
or get in touch with me at brighde@awakenedhearth.com if you have any questions...I am looking forward to connecting with you!
Brighde is a Writer with a love for dark chocolate and the mystical side of life. She firmly believes every aspect of this curious Journey on Earth can be improved with a steaming mug of good tea, an open heart and mind and a grounded connection to the higher vibrational realms of Spirit inherent in everything. With a background of almost 30 years of working in the Healing Arts and Bodywork, her current focus is on facilitating deep inner transformation, growth and healing through one-on-one Intuitive Guidance and Coaching Sessions as well as on-line & in-person Courses and Workshops. Your can find out more about her work at www.AwakenedHearth.com.
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