…healing our deepest core-wounds of abandonment and separation…

Are you familiar with that held-breath feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop, no matter how well your life seems to be going?

Or with that secret sense of subtle anxiety all too alive and well underneath your happy face of convincingly undaunted optimism?

In Part I of this exploration, we got a sense of what a deep Trust in a Divine Power might feel like, compared to a less aligned show of faith.

In Part II, we will venture deeper into this topic; we will learn how to discern between a true and helpful positivity versus a forced sense of “all shall be well”, get a feeling for the wounds, beliefs or motivations contributing to our inauthentic expressions, and forge a path towards healing and surrendering our mostly invisible pain…

Join me today as we take a closer look behind the curtains of our deepest, collective Core Wounds - Rejection & Abandonment.

THE WOUNDS BEHIND THE MASKS - WHAT’S CAUSING OUR LACK OF TRUST?

Did I really just say that we are, all of us, collectively united in suffering from the same wounds/pain?

I know this is a pretty hefty statement to make, but yes, in essence, that is what I believe.

How much we, as individuals, are actually suffering from this affliction is another matter, but most of humankind will have some form of Core Wound around a deep sense of having been abandoned or betrayed by…”God”, "the Divine", expelled from a “Garden of Eden”, from the “Unity Consciousness of Source”…whatever you prefer to call it.

Granted, for most, this may be a wholly unconscious story.

Others, however, may have a more or less defined awareness around this, whether abandonment & rejection is a theme that played out in childhood, is continuing on in relationships, or is experienced mostly in the more subtle realms of our emotions and thoughts.

Being born, pushed out of the warm embrace of the sanctuary of our mother’s womb, is a traumatic event we all have to go through. From being held and surrounded, safe and connected to the our mother’s heart beat and blood flow, we suddenly experience ourselves to be an utterly defenseless, dependent, weak and impotent bundle of pure and, no doubt, often overwhelming sensations and needs.

One moment to the next, we are in every possible way wholly at the mercy of the unpredictable, uncontrollable care and attention of others.

Some may be lucky to experience a most loving, supportive, safe and connected family bond growing up, others not so much.

But no matter how picture perfect our childhoods may have been, nothing ever fully alleviates the original shock of this sudden, forced sense of separation - until we find our Inner Connection, our “Oneness” with the Divine once more.

Add to that generations of imposed religious beliefs of a vengeful god looking down upon the sins of man…well. Let’s just say that probably didn’t help us any in overcoming this particular trauma of feeling unwanted, undeserving, exiled, impure and thoroughly helpless…

Is it any wonder that we should still carry this wound, this belief in the unpredictable, merciless nature of life around with us in our sub- or unconscious? Which, as it happens, is the part of us that creates our very experience of life…

WHY IS THAT A PROBLEM?

Freud and Jung can be credited with bringing awareness to the impressive power of our Unconscious in directing not only our thoughts and emotions, but also our behavior - with often less than desirable results.

Modern day thinkers and scientists, like Dr. Joe Dispenza, Dr. Bruce Lipton and Gregg Braden, have taken up the baton and carry on expanding on the teachings of both, ancient spiritual traditions as well as more contemporary scientific and psychological insights in this regard.

Nowadays, anyone with an interest in creating and “manifesting” a more authentic, harmonious and abundant life in alignment with their inner guidance, or with a higher, spiritual power, has at least heard of the concept that about 95% of our life experience is controlled and created by our Subconscious Mind.

Meaning - our conscious will has pretty little say in the matter of what our innermost and outer worlds look like…it’s the unconscious and subconscious programming we are carrying - I call them our “stories” - that determine our “fate”.

In the famous words of Carl Jung:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

{Shameless pitch alert: My upcoming On-line Course, “Falling in Love with our Triggers - mining our shadows for gold”, teaches an in-depth, practical approach to bringing our unconscious programming to the light and how to transmute, heal and re-progam so we may create more conscious and fulfilling life and relationship experiences…learn more here}

Bringing this thread back around to our topic - it’s probably easy to see now that complete Trust - in Life, in the Divine, in ourselves even - can be an elusive thing of beauty, a magical unicorn we try to chase without ever fully believing in its existence.

If we truly allow ourselves to take in the full measure and magnitude of the effect such a story of utter dependency and helplessness would have on our unconscious creations, it’s easier to have compassion for all the ingenious ways in which we tend to self-sabotage our lives…

HOW CAN WE KNOW IF WE STILL CARRY THIS UNHEALED WOUND? WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS?

Some of us may have relatively mild stories that hardly, if ever, factor in to our outer & inner life experience; some have done a lot of inner healing around these wounds already, and others yet may still be dealing with the effects of serious trauma and post-traumatic stress related to trust issues.

How we each deal with it individually will differ, though we can typically trace our behaviors back to some commonalities.

These patters, beliefs and re-activities can and do cover the whole spectrum between subtle background noise in the inaccessible caverns of our most private thoughts and feelings, to the all-and-out in-your-face kind of life experiences that leave no room for doubt that something is very, very off…

Let’s take a look at some of the more common coping skills in motion:

Control - Defeat

This pair of polarities may be one of the most obvious range of cover-ups for a story based in lack of trust.

We are all familiar with the driven, power-hungry workaholic with a singular focus on furthering their gain. Or the “control-freak”, hell-bent on staying on top, whether it’s dominating their own habits, other people or circumstances, unable to relax, let go and let God….

No matter what other wounds may contribute to such extreme behavior, it is always deeply rooted in lack-mentality.

Because what is a fear of lack but just another name for not trusting that we will have enough? Enough love, support, self-esteem, respect, attention, validation, money, power…whatever it is we fear we do not innately have enough of, we don’t trust that we will be ok unless we push and strive and manipulate our way to getting it…in a perfect example of over-compensating for a deep sense of powerlessness.

The other end of this particular stick may look like utter defeat and lack of motivation, perhaps even a physically manifested dilemma of complete lack of control over our lives and an attitude of giving up and not even trying.

There may be elements of extreme to subtle avoidance mechanisms, forms of self-sabotage meant to keep us safe from disappointments and having to face our original pain; better off feeling stuck and helpless than to try giving all we’ve got to life, only to risk having our dreams thwarted over and over - essentially “proving” our deep beliefs in our own inadequacy & the unfairness of life…

And then, off course, there is everything in-between, creatively colored with our own personal stamp of individuality, often bouncing around fairly capriciously between the two opposites.

Sometimes we may be pushing hard towards a goal, motivated by more money, freedom, validation, a more fulfilling life, only to hit a wall somewhere along the way and stumble, if not crumble, under the weight of overwhelm and under-cover doubts and fears surfacing when we least need them;

other times, we may have become so habituated to the boredom of a life that offers nothing new, exciting or remotely fulfilling that we do not even consider questioning if this is really all there is to life…because questioning it would bring us headlong into conflict with our innermost belief in lack - lack of trust that we have what it takes, that we deserve it, or that we could possibly live in a universe that cares about bringing such things within our reach…

Wherever we find ourselves on the spectrum - frozen in defeat, indecision and a depressing lack of motivation, driven to get ahead to the point of exhaustion or soul-stunting, or anywhere in-between - I think most of us can relate to having moments when either end of it is snaring us with its seductive power…

Optimism - Pessimism

Another pair of seeming opposites that may cover up the same wound.

Do you know a person or two who just seems to constantly annoy everyone around them with their persistently cheery optimism and positivity? Or that perpetual pessimist, seemingly incapable of pulling their head out of their darkest nether-region, insistent on noticing everything and anything “wrong” with the world/life/people…?

I’ve been guilty of both, at times. Both are wildly popular methods of escaping “reality”, such as it is perceived to be.

Slap a band-aid of positive thinking over a festering fear of lack, and the day is much easier to tolerate. After all - the most popular spiritual teachings keep telling us that we will attract what we focus on, right? To keep our “vibes” high so we may magically magnetize love, money, the perfect job and partner, the best home and lifestyle imaginable…right?

Well. Right enough, to a point.

And.

If only it were that easy, we’d all be happy, wealthy campers by now, wouldn’t we…

Unfortunately, some of these teachings, or interpretations of these teachings, do not take into consideration the deep, dark powers hiding in the nebulous realms of our Subconscious & Unconscious minds…

We can take aspirin all day long, and while this can certainly make our lives much more pleasant if we are dealing with chronic pain issues, it will never get to the core of actually healing the cause of the pain. In the long run, it will most likely cause more harm than good, and may even tempt us into further injuring our original wound, because we are so numb to it’s existence…

Fake optimism and positivity are like aspirin, like a band-aid put in place to hide that ugly, inflamed wound that will keep festering beneath the surface, slowly poisoning the whole organism.

There is a certain appeal to the short-term gain of getting to put down our responsibilities of facing the troubles of our life and taking care of what needs fixing or mending; however, the long-term prognosis of finding true health, joy, happiness, fulfillment, purpose and love may be dire when based on such attitudes of avoidance and inauthenticity…

Pessimism tends to approach this desire to gloss over the hurt from a completely different direction - if I never even get my hopes up in anticipation of anything good, I cannot be dashed by disappointment.

If I expect everything to turn out bad, I get a sense of validation from having been “right” if that’s what I get.

And in case it turns out better than expected - well then, happy me…inasmuch as I allow myself to actually enjoy this little luxury. But just in case this will prove to be a fluke, just like everything else in my life, I probably wouldn’t let this seemingly positive stroke of luck get to my head, lest I be crushed when it’s all taken away again…

Sadly, in this case, the wise teachings around the Law of Attraction hold very true - we magnetize to us what we “vibe out” on the level of thought and emotion - creating much external validation for our negative world view.

Independence - Co-dependence

A lack of trust can certainly push us into wanting to be as independent as possible - so that we may never be at the unreliable mercy of anyone or anything. Whether it’s people we don’t trust, lovers, parents, life in general or god and the universe at large, it feels so much safer to know we can rely on ourselves to get by in life.

Receiving or asking for help, on the other hand, may not feel so safe. There is just too much at stake - rejection, being let down, feeling dependent, whatever the fear is, it seems to be alleviated partially or completely by being the lone wolf full of resources to make their independent way through life.

Except…the underlying needs are never fully met, the causative wound still festers! Over-independence based on old fears, for all its sense of freedom and empowerment, still does not fill our cup nor nourish our soul.

On the flip-side of this coin, slipping into co-dependence may show a lack of trust in self.

If navigating through the confusions of life, feeling inadequate to make a proper living, discomfort around being alone or not needed or other stories cause fear and insecurity, it may seem comforting to hide behind co-dependent relationships or dynamics, no matter how uncomfortable, unhealthy, disempowering or toxic they are.

As I mentioned earlier, all of these potential expressions of lack of trust can show up in many, multifaceted ways along a vast spectrum of grey-scale between the extremes of white and black.

The subtler the expression, the harder it gets to notice the underlying disturbance, the wounds and scars that nobody sees.

On top of that, it’s not always easy to tell from the outward appearance and action if we are dealing with a healthy expression of, say, optimism or independence based on true inner strength and trust in an inner guidance, or a form of avoidance and cover-up.

Which leads me to the next question -

HOW CAN WE DISCERN BETWEEN HEALTHY V.S. UNHEALED ACTIONS OR ATTITUDES?

It comes down to becoming a patient, attentive listener!

We want to listen to our inner state of being, because that’s where the truth and the insights lie.

True Trust in the Divine, in our Inner Guidance, our gut instincts, our resourcefulness, feels peaceful and serene. Even when it comes alongside strong feelings of elation, joy and ecstasy, the core remains peaceful, suffused with an inner light.

Compare to that a state of hyper-excitement, the arousing feeling of being aflame with passion for a path, a person, a particular vision, the restless drive to push forward towards a goal or desire that seems to be calling to us loudly and unmistakably…

Or that underlying, fuzzy carpeting of anxiety, causing all sorts of trouble, like physical & mental tension, insomnia, over-activity, exhaustion, irritability etc, no matter how convincing our stout belief in a positive outcome for whatever troubles us seems to be…

While we humans are pretty ingenious in all matters cover-up of true, authentic feelings, we can re-learn to listen with an open, honest ear. It may take a lot of subtlety, skill and patience, or our suppressed emotions/beliefs may become immediately obvious once we still our outer distractions and turn our attention inward; which is why, more often than not, we tend to avoid the latter at all cost.

So, listen carefully next time you find yourself embracing your perhaps innate optimism, using positive affirmations, leaning into surrender and acceptance of what is;

how are you feeling deep within?

What is present for you?

How is your body responding to your conscious efforts?

Are you peaceful and calm, or tense and agitated, discouraged and powerless?

Or perhaps, somehow, even all of the above?

HOW CAN WE HEAL AND INTEGRATE?

This kind of honest observation and acknowledgement is the first step towards healing and transformation.

In this atmosphere of non-judgmental witnessing of all of our aspects, a deep alchemy of integration can occur. The ripple effects of this kind of unconditional love for self - for the wounded parts, the enlightened parts, the hidden, secretive parts and everything beyond and in-between - are vast, unlimited and far-reaching.

Here, we have the ingredients of Acceptance, Surrender and Trust as a pathway to the most complete Healing possible, taking it all the way back to our collective core-wound of our perceived separation from the Divine.

These three components are intrinsically interconnected. They go together or they don’t go anywhere at all.

Ultimately, they can lead us to the most exquisite breakthroughs and release, to experiencing ourselves to be in this world but not of it…to the “place” where no healing is ever needed because it precedes our third-dimensional notion that there is anything wrong or missing and in need of fixing.

Tapping into this level of Consciousness is the greatest gift we could ever give to ourselves and “the world” in the name of healing and awakening. It’s the state in which miracles can occur - naturally and effortlessly, as an inevitable consequence of surrendering limiting beliefs, of trusting and allowing a deep “letting go and letting God”.

What these miracles look like and when and how they show up in our lives or minds is not for us to say - because this attempt at control would snap us right back out of this higher state of Miracle-Mindedness.

If, on the way to practicing these deep states, all of our fears and doubts and stories come to the surface, disrupting our inner peace and trust - wonderful! Better out than in - conscious than unconscious - because now we can start unravelling our old stories and rewrite them in a more wholesome light.

If all of this sounds daunting and like a lot of uncomfortable work, that’s understandable. Anything we are not used to practicing can seem a bit out of reach, or too far out of our comfort zones to look appealing.

But think of what life could be like if we truly live it from an attitude anchored in deep Trust, Surrender and Acceptance - the unshakable peace, love, ease and gratitude of the Wise Sages is embedded deep within our souls, and we can lean into fully embodying these states, no matter our external circumstances.

It doesn’t get more empowered than that!

I hope this little discourse was helpful and/or inspiring - I will write more in depth on these topics in future blogs; in the meantime, “Somatization and BodyTalk” & “The Thing about Triggers” will give you some tools to go deeper into listening to and re-aligning with your inner aspects.

Please let me know in the comments if there is anything you would like me to address in upcoming posts - I would love to hear from you!